in manus

Living in the post-post-modern age (how many posts should be present?) that is 2010 I've found it increasingly difficult to pin down the meaning of marriage. People do not marry for the reasons they did thirty years ago and there seems to be a plurality of reasons for which people are marrying today. There are so many people who are just not marrying at all despite cohabiting and living happy lives with their partners. Watching friends marry and seeing others actively choose not to has made me question what marriage means or may mean to me.

The quickest answer is that I do not know presently and that I will not truly know until the time comes to choose, if it does. However, I'm choosing now to think that I can have an idea of what it may mean before 'the time'.

Women do not need to marry to be financial secure anymore. Despite that, there is the strength in numbers argument. It makes sense that financially and even emotionally people are stronger in a two-person team than individually. I would not choose to marry for the sole purpose of being strengthened, attractive as it is.

There was one point in my life that I felt I had found a man I could marry but as life marched on and habits set in I found myself insulated by the comfort it brought me. I bemoaned taking the TTC at times because my boyfriend had a car. Soon I began to realize that our values and goals were different and I couldn't have the life I wanted with him and so a couple breakups later, it ended.

I never want to marry out of fear: either through fear of losing someone or fear of being alone. I never want to marry because I need someone. I want to marry out of pure choice. I want the luxury of saying 'I choose to be with you because I want to be, not because I need to be.' There is such meaning in that choice. It's the act of that choice that is sublime.

The ritual of marriage is second to the choice and I've questioned its meaning to me as a secular person. I consider myself an existentialist, if we're considering. The joy will be in the feeling and thoughts of the moments. It will be fleeting just as everything in life is. As the moments pass all we have is the memory of having perceived that moment in time.

I hope to have the memory of marriage however, to be technical about it, if I dream about marriage tonight then I will have it. That's really a subject for another time and place.

terminus excusatium

There have been so many times when I've been apologetic about who I am, how I was raised, how I live my life or even my personality. I won't make an itemized list of examples as I've lately come to find itemized lists of this nature quite persnickety. However to give you a taste of what I'm talking about I definitely apologized to a man at the grocery store for making him take one step back from the cash register so that I could place down my empty basket. Things have gone too far.

A less trivial example would be when I apologized to someone after having bought a new dress for an occasion (I just love apologizing to people for how I spend my hard-earned money). And that's not to even mention the apologies I made during the ridiculous undoing of my last relationship.

Apologies are sometimes necessary, clearly, but in truly accepting and not second-guessing oneself we have to banish these insecure apologies.

Elaborating on one of the examples above, I was raised to always dress appropriately in order to show respect - respect for those hosting or those with whom you are attending. You should always wear something 'nice' to someone's birthday-do and no jeans at certain places. Denim has definitely evolved a lot since the 80s and 90s but there are still times when it isn't appropriate...I mean, come on. Anyhow, I wouldn't wear a ballgown to a tea nor would I wear jeans and a sweatshirt. Will I keep apologising for this? No.

Nor will I keep apologising for telling a partner that he's treated me without respect or letting my feelings of desire be known. I think many people find themselves hurtling out these apologies, especially women.

I actually have a bunch of apologies from someone I dated in email form. They almost need to be framed. At times these apologies, not those just mentioned but even my many insecure ones, become like a reflex for undoing what a person has just done. I'm not even sure how to tell when one is sincere anymore. And even if it is, what does it mean? What value does it hold? Maybe I really should frame the last one I received as a constant reminder: oh right, he's sorry. I almost forgot for a minute...

online dating snippet #2

Well I have some 'gems' for y'all today. These are really snippets because I think it would be awful if I posted the entire messages these misguided men laboured over.

A. "I'm sitting here thinking of a bunch of hilariously flirtatious things to say, but none of them are staying 'un-deleted'. So, instead, you should watch this webseries that I make."
He followed this with a link. Needless to say I did not watch and never will.

B. "If you were a cat you'd be in big trouble right now!"
I don't even begin to understand this one.

C. Subject line: 10 d-bags for a dime!
I guess he's counting himself in this deal of a lifetime.

online dating snippet #1

In an effort to get the ball rolling I thought I would share some of the latest messages my online profile on a local dating site is garnering:

A. "Marilyn Monroe, let's chill :)"
Comments: There is nothing in my profile referencing Marilyn and I note that I'm a really thin/small girl...

B. "You are so cute!! And you seem pretty awesome otherwise, too."

C. "You seem smart and interesting--plus I've read and seen and listened to a lot of the books and movies and music you seem to like..."

It's not my intention to berate these confused men but is this it? I thought I had so many messages to share but I realized that these current ones are so bland it would be utterly boring.

unus

I decided to start this blog as an outlet to discuss my "singledom" but also as a way to celebrate my independence. As I have traversed the dating world of 2010 it has become evermore clear that independence and self-reliance is something to be cherished when single as well as when in a relationship.

I've reached this conclusion from my own experience as well as my observations of others' relationships. I've had relationships wherein I have found myself almost so dependent, voluntarily, that I ended up feeling like a bird with clipped wings. Maybe it would be more apt to say I felt like a really lazy bird who rode around on another bird. I've also witnessed friends have their lives consumed by relationships to the point where it is all they can speak of. I feel strongly that this is not healthy and that your partner should not be your hobby.

It is my hope that through this blog I can share my dating experiences in all their often hilarious forms as well as my thoughts on what makes a healthy relationship and clear warning signs of an unhealthy relationship. I hope that you, too, can share your experiences.

- fit toronto.